A Disorganized Rant on Feminism

Greetings friends! Salutations! Long time, no post!

I decided, since I have had a super rough week, that a bit of a rant is in order. So in this fun little virtual rant, I will be discussing the under estimation and under appreciation of women. Yay! Feminism! I’m basic!

Now I generally do not identify as a feminist, but I was having a discussion earlier with a friend of mine about it, and I have decided that you will put up with my temporary feminist rant, dammit! (Or, you will become annoyed with me and turn off your computer. Either one.)

If you have read the About Me tab on this blog, you have noticed that I love theater. I am super involved in theater at my school, but I don’t just act, I also do technical theater even more. I am on construction crew, so I build sets and move set pieces during scene changes in the show. In case you are wondering, no, our sets are not made of cardboard, Scotch tape, and Elmer’s glue. They are made of wood that we cut with a variety of large electric saws and put together with drills and screws. Sometimes we use metal, foam, and other materials and sometimes we use real drywall like in your house. Sets can often be 16 feet or so high. My point? It’s pretty legit.

So construction crew is made up of mostly males, with a pretty good amount of females, but I am one of only a few really dedicated girls on crew. Furthermore, although this is my eighth show on construction crew and I am one of two heads of the crew, a boy could come along for his first time on crew and it may as well be his twentieth. Girls are given easier jobs and it is assumed that we are incapable of doing anything requiring physical labor. Need to lift something? Oh gee, we better find some guys to do it! Wouldn’t want to have these sweet little girls pulling a muscle or something! Oh, you need a job? Um, why don’t you just help me hold this or go paint that. This is far too much work for you. I’m just trying to look out for you!

WRONG

Here’s a headline: girls are just as capable, if not more capable, as boys in every subject area. Sure, maybe boys can occasionally bulk up more, play football better, lift more weight, and/or climb the rope higher in gym class. But if girls decided to work out as much or work on their strength training like guys did, we could just as easily do the exact same things.

The point is, if a girl is willing to help you lift that heavy thing, let her freaking lift it! Give her all the hard jobs! She is perfectly willing and able to do something and to be useful. You are not better. You are not stronger. There is no secret man quota that we missed.

I know it seems like I am just spewing hatred and indignation, which in a way, I am. But I think that despite all “progress” we have made towards “equality”, men are still appreciating women only for their sexiness. But we are strong, independent women who don’t need no men!

So, the next time you are about to under estimate and/or under appreciate a girl, don’t. Do not, under any circumstances, baby her. You are equals. And yes, I would like to lift that.

Submitted with undying love for,
disorganized rants, feminism, being a manly man, being a fierce and fiery woman, being basic, and saying screw you to men,
I remain Madilyn Jayne Turken

 

 

Blogging at the Beach!

Welcome to my new favorite past time: Blogging at the Beach! I also like to call it Keeping Sand Off My Laptop, Ridiculous Bliss, or The Amazing Wifi Search. But hey, I’m here, I am sitting on the beach as we speak (type/read?), and well, cross that off the bucket list.

So far, I have done a little hanging out in the freezing cold water until I become numb enough that I can trick myself into thinking it’s warm, and I have almost had a pelican land on me. Some other highlights of Beach-Blogging include tanning (or in my case, burning while mysteriously not feeling it ever), looking at myself in my laptop screen (sunshine=yay, glare=nay), and, oh yes, people-watching! My mom and I also partook in some bird-watching earlier, but in case the funny looking bird whom we saw and named Frankie does not interest you, I’ll document some people-watching fun here. Please enjoy this guide to People of the Beach.

1. Basic Girls Tanning
This is the one you think of, the girls who are one or usually all of three things: in their late teens/early twenties, tan, and trying to get tanner. They often wear bikinis and sunglasses, magazine optional. The one nearest me is wearing an orange bikini that somewhat resembles her skin.

2. Children
Ah, the children. They are generally fascinated with one or all of a few activities. The first is the most popular: running a few feet into the water, standing there in awe, and then promptly turning and running, terrified, out of the water as it chases them back to shore. (Who are we kidding, beach-goers of all ages partake in this activity). The next one is searching thoroughly for shells. And the last is building sand castles that look more like giant lumps. They often, as is the case with the child nearest me, pick up handfuls of wet sand and toddle over to their lump to continue building their lumpy sand empire. Repeat.

3. Cool Surfers
The surfers frequent beaches all the time, though I can’t imagine why. You can recognize them by their surf boards, their wet suits, and their air of ” laid-back SoCal coolness”. They will often parade up and down the shoreline, boards in hand, as if to make sure as many people at the beach as possible are aware of their abilities. Sometimes they even band together when they see each other as part of an exclusive surfers-only club to which you have not been invited. (You now probably think that I am either mean for no reason or bitter because I too wish I knew how to surf. Honestly, it’s both.)

4. Wholesome Families
These can range from all-American-stereotypical-über-wholesome (the family on Leave it to Beaver) to incredibly dysfunctional and determined not to show it (my family, God bless ‘em). Either way, they are always there, out for a relaxing day of getting sand everywhere and finding it still all over them later.

5. Beach Rubble
The final thing you will most definitely find at the beach, especially one in America where the trash is abundant and the people are lazy, is your beach rubble. This can range from seagull feathers to peanut shells to peach pits (all of which are near me somewhere). Until us Americans become less lazy and more environmentally conscious or something, the beach rubble will probably be here to stay. Just make sure your child knows it’s not another shell.

I hope that this user-friendly guide assists you in categorizing your people watching when at the beach. Until next time!

Submitted with undying love for,
beach-blogging, People of the Beach, vacations, Spring Break, wearing a cardigan even on a beach, and Frankie the Bird,
I remain Madilyn Jayne Turken

What Up with the Signoff?

Hello there friends, readers, women, men, children, toddlers, teens, tweens, elderlies, and esteemed infants everywhere (I think I got everyone),

Though I have not actually been asked about it, I know for a fact that at least a couple people have read this blog and are probably wondering, so please, calm down, I’ll answer your burning question:
what’s the deal with that whole “submitted with undying love for” stuff??

I’ll tell you!

It has to do with this AWESOME youth group thang I am involved with called BBYO (what used to be known as B’nai B’rith Youth Organization, but is now just BBYO Inc.). Now I’m about to get fancy for a second here. BBYO is the largest, Jewish, pluralistic, teen-led, international youth movement in the whole world and is home to almost every state across the U.S. as well as many countries, such as Bulgaria, France, Canada, Argentina, the UK, Ireland, Serbia, Bosnia, Israel, and many more. It is essentially a place where Jewish 8th-12th graders can make lifelong friends, take advantage of TONS of leadership opportunities, be part of a global community, find their Jewish identity, make connections, and have amazing experiences.
While that was BBYO in a nutshell, it goes way beyond what that cookie-cutter explanation can convey. Each country and a state or a couple of states is home to a region of BBYO, which is then split into chapters. Each chapter functions with its own board (including a president, vice president, Judaic chair, recruitment chair, treasurer, secretary, and sometimes more) and has events monthly, bimonthly, or even weekly. Every chapter raises money, recruits members, and plans and leads events. Each region does the same thing on a slightly larger scale and the International Order even has its own board which does the same thing on a global scale. Everything is teen-led (with the help of some staff members, advisors, and BBYO alumni). Some famous BBYO alums include Adam Sandler, so that’s cool. If you want to know more, look up BBYO or go to b-linked.org, but the point is, I really love BBYO.

Furthermore, the point is, a “Submitted with undying love for”, affectionately called a SWULF by BBGs everywhere (B’nai B’rith Girls, the girls of BBYO) is the signoff of any official BBYO document. Clearly, my blog is not that, but with a lack of anything better to do, an obsession with BBYO, and a desire (yours, clearly) to get to know me that much more, that’s how I end my posts.

So now you finally know. I know that was haunting you for a while, so please, go back to sleeping at night.

Submitted with undying love for,
BBYO, explanatory posts, friends, readers, women, men, children, toddlers, teens, tweens, elderlies, and esteemed infants,
I remain Madilyn Jayne Turken

San Fran Shenanigans

Hello people of the Internet!

Long time, no post! How’s it going? Sorry I’ve been a little AWOL recently, as I have been swamped after getting back from my (thanks for asking) ah-mazinggg tour to San Francisco! Here were a few highlights (not necessarily in any order):

1. Alcatraz
Alcatraz island, home to one the of the most famous prisons in the country, is insanely cool. You go and take this audio tour where these voices tell you where to walk and point things out and describe prison life. I recommend going there. So please enjoy this dramatically edgy photo of my in a cell (a cell-fie if you will! lol puns). Also please excuse the awkward audio tour stuff I’m wearing.
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2. The Ferry to Alcatraz
So this is completely deserving of its own thing on the list. Obviously, Alcatraz is an island (God, pay attention), so you have to take a boat there. And I realllllyyyy like boats. And I could show you some pictures of the ocean or something, but I think I’d rather share the obligatory Titanic-esque picture with my friend Jordan. #shesflying
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3. Grace Cathedral
Grace Cathedral is the single prettiest church I have ever been to in my life (which is a limited amount of churches since I’m Jewish, but whatever). It legitimately looks like a castle, the door has all these gorgeous carvings on it, and there a ton of colored ribbons hanging from the ceiling inside. It was founded during the California Gold Rush and, oh yeah, we got to sing inside it. If you aren’t as much of a choir nerd as me and that doesn’t sound cool to you, let me break it down for you: the more amazing the church, the higher the ceiling, the more the echo, the better the sound. So trust me, it’s cool.
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4. That One Hotel with a Sense of Humor
So a couple friends and I were walking to lunch one day, and we passed this hotel. And the doormen/bell boys had these great uniforms. And I know because we saw one getting luggage out of someone’s car. And basically it was a beautiful moment and I felt it should make this list because it was clearly a highlight.
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5. Roller Skating
Normally this wouldn’t be a highlight because this is an activity that I do the opposite of excel at. Clearly, I don’t even know if it is one word or two. However, we rented out a roller rink for a few hours, and I mean we all started out skating (Disclaimer: I only fell once!), but then we ended up just dancing barefoot in the middle of the rink (cause they play music, we aren’t just weird). So my friend Tricia and I decided it would be a cool idea to make an Instagram video of us doing ballet to a hip-hop/dance song (since she started dance classes this year and I was a dancer for 11 years–let’s just put that out there first). So we took some videos of us both dancing, and finally we got one of me that was an acceptable length and we went to work again on hers. And luckily, our friend got this on camera. (You should know: she was not wearing skates, nor, clearly, was this the original goal of the video.)
http://instagram.com/p/l1Lw1RDqNv/

6. Cable Car Ride
Cable cars, basically like open air buses on train tracks in the street, are really not all that spectacular, unless you make them so. Which, trust me, I did. The cable car was pretty full when we got on, so me a few of my friends were standing on the ledge holding onto poles. And we faced the street, and I immediately began waving at everyone on the street (that’s a lot of people in San Francisco). It kind of started as me goofing around and doing the princess-on-a-parade-float-wave. But then I was really enjoying myself, and some people waved back, and then we made it this huge game where we waved at everyone and saw who waved back. I did not stop waving or smiling the entire ride. (Sappy example of something small and stupid can brighten your whole day, which it did.) All I have is this picture of Cristina and me on the cable car, so enjoy that.
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7. Lombard Street
By now I’m just kind of listing off basic San Francisco tourist attractions, but they’re attractions for a reason! Lombard street is “the crookedest street in the world”. On a side note, I ran down it like I was an airplane.
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8. Ghirardelli Square
Ghirardelli as in the chocolate company. And I like chocolate. I recommend everything.
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9. Church Service at United Church of Christ
Hopefully, you are staring at your computer screen confusedly: “Wait! You’re Jewish!” Pick up your jaw, we sang at the service instead of their usual church choir. (Nothing gospel, sadly.) And for non-religious reasons, it was really cool! As you can imagine, I’ve experience my fair share of church services (lol no) but this one stood out. Most notably, the minister there was a lesbian woman who quoted Harry Potter in her sermon. Sadly, no pictures for this one, so use your imagination.

So just to recap: I like San Francisco and I also like choir. Peace and love.

Submitted with undying love for,
San Francisco, choir, chocolate, my hotel with the enchanted forest, it’s finally Spring Break, and posting again!
I remain Madilyn Jayne Turken

Fancy Livin, Here We Come

Greetings from San Francisco!

As you can tell, I brought my computer and this fancy hotel, which I will uselessly document in the following post, has free wifi! (Insert evil laugh here.)

My choir arrived today, looking like a mob/gang/sorority in the airport, and we could not be more pumped! Because you know, singing is fun and tour is fun, but what’s really exciting is this hotel.

We have suites. SUITES. Our room has a window in the front of it (looking out to the hallway! With curtains!) as well as a little sitting room in the front! Then the bedroom part is in the back. 2 TVs. 3 sinks. If we kicked one roommate out, we could each have our own sink!! Then there’s a balcony overlooking a nice parking lot as well as a roof that is BEGGING for a roof party. There’s another school here too, so if any of you are reading this (what are the odds, but I may as well put it out there) know that we are down for a roof party. (Disclaimer: Don’t worry adults, we won’t be throwing any roof parties.)

Also, the lobby is, simply put, an enchanted forest.
There are tons of trees and a freaking RIVER. With a BRIDGE over it and STATUES. There’s a giant PALM TREE in the middle of the hotel and it’s as tall as, like, the fourth floor! Basically when I got to my room, me and my friend screamed like little girls and jumped on the bed a little bit. No shame.

So thanks for reading about my fancy livin (here we come, la la la la la)! Until next time!

Submitted with undying love for,
fancy hotels, enchanted forests, sinks, roofs, San Francisco, and feeling like a privileged white girl,
I remain Madilyn Jayne Turken

Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow (maybe)

Hey all*!
(*I say all as an inclusive term, but for all I know there could be one or less people reading this…so that’s awkward.)

I just wanted to let you know that in exactly 1 day, 15 hours, 24 minutes, and 53 seconds, I will be heading off on tour with my choir! (Yay, nerdy things.) In case you care and/or you already read this blog regularly (see the above starred sentence), you may want to be aware that I haven’t decided whether or not I’ll bring my computer. SO if I don’t post for a few days, I haven’t died!! (Hopefully.)

I will be reunited with the blessed wifi on Sunday, so I may check in again then, or Monday, or something…I don’t know, I’ll be back. Again, I may actually bring my computer, so maybe we don’t have to say goodbye!

Just remember to think of me. Think of me fondly when we’ve said goodbye. (Lol, sorry, just some lame theater humor for you. Copyright Andrew Lloyd Weber? I don’t know, nobody sue me.)

Thank you for reading this spontaneous cluster of emotions!

Submitted with undying love for,
choir tour coming up!, random late-night posts, The Phantom of the Opera, nerding out in this post way more than was necessary, and you for reading whatever this was,
I remain Madilyn Jayne Turken

Where Are They Now?

Today I was reading People magazine, like I do every week for God knows what reason, and I saw something about Selena Gomez just finishing a stint in rehab. Now, I don’t know about you, but I consider myself to be pretty in tune with what’s happening in the famous-person-stratosphere (because of my incessant People reading), and I was unaware she went to rehab at all!
I know what you’re thinking. Who gives a shit? Just calm down, I’m getting to the point.
It is often a point of discussion: all of those child stars end up corrupted and in rehab. And then we reminisce on the rare child star who made it boldly through the Hollywood party scene unscathed and went on to have “happy families” and “bright futures”, unhindered by their “immense talent”. So let’s talk about those stars for a minute, and take a moment to find out Where They Are Now.

1. Hilary Duff
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Her start: This bubbly personality starred on Disney Channel’s Lizzie McGuire from 2001-2004 and also starred in the movie. Lizzie McGuire aired when she was 13, but her first role came when she was 10. She was also in a few other movies such as A Cinderella Story in 2004 (it’s kind of the only Cinderella remake worth your time) and she even guest starred on a few shows, including Gossip Girl.
Where are they now?: Despite her own show on Disney Channel, Hilary Duff was never in rehab and married and had a son! Sadly, her and her ex-husband, hockey player Mike Comrie, divorced (amicably!) in January. But they still co-parent and raise (almost) 2-year-old Luca!

2. Raven Symoné
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Her start: Raven starred as the sassy psychic Raven Baxter on That’s So Raven, also a Disney show! It ran from 2003-2007, but her first role was on the Cosby Show at 3 years old. Aside from her success on That’s So Raven, let’s not forget her other starring role as a Cheetah Girl in the first and second movies! She also released several albums and had roles in a few other movies and shows, as well as voicing Monique in Kim Possible.
Where are they now?: Today Raven lives mostly out of the spotlight and often steps out with her model girlfriend (Yes! You read that correctly!) AzMarie Livingston. She was in Sister Act on Broadway in 2012 and has not been to rehab nor has she been caught in any sort of cheating scandal! Props.

3. Cole Sprouse
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His start: You know him as 1 out of 2 of the mischievous twins from the Tipton Hotel in The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, which he starred in at age 13 from 2005-2008. Him and his twin brother (who doesn’t appear on this list due to his nudes that are floating around) then starred in yet another Disney Channel show, The Suite Life on Deck, until 2011. However, Cole’s first role came at age one in Grace Under Fire. He had a few other guest roles on various shows, but most of his roles were as Cody Martin.
Where are they now?: Today, Cole Sprouse is something of a hippie/philanthropist and he is interested in archaeology, anthropology, journalism, photography, and performance (or so his Twitter bio claims). Turns out him and twin brother Dylan Sprouse wanted to get involved with the production side of things on their show before heading off to college. When Disney shot that down, they left, and now both attend NYU. Cole recently took trips to Japan and Bulgaria, and enjoys college life with his longer-than-shoulder-length hair.

4. Miranda Cosgrove
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Her start: The first of the list not to have her own Disney show! Ah but wait, she had her own Nickelodeon show. Miranda starred as a perky teen in iCarly from 2007-2012 after playing the evil little sister Megan on Drake and Josh from 2004-2007. Her first role, however, came at age 8 on the TV show Smallville. She has also appeared in several shows and movies like School of Rock and Despicable Me (1 and 2) as well as releasing one album and two EPs.
Where are they now?: After wrapping iCarly, she voiced a role in Despicable Me and is currently filming two different movies while she attends USC! She also works with Oceana to protect dolphins from seismic airgun blasts (cue the “aww”). So no rehab stints, no scandals, no nudes, and she’s a college student working to save endangered animals?

5. Emily Osment
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Her start: Though she began at age 7 in The Secret Life of Girls, Emily Osment really found success as Miley’s quirky best friend Lilly on Hannah Montana from 2006-2011. She has also had small roles in many other shows and movies such as Beverly Hills Chihuahua, Spy Kids, and Family Guy. She has also had one album and one EP.
Where are they now?: With no big scandals to speak of, Emily Osment continues to work on movies, some of which are filming or in pre-production. After Hannah Montana, however, she went to college! So luckily her post-Disney life has been pretty low-key, different from her friend Miley’s, because we all know how that one turned out.

Submitted with undying love for,
Disney Channel: the creator of well-rounded and well-adjusted humans, the actually well-rounded and well-adjusted humans (rare, but there), Hilary Duff, Raven Symoné, Cole Sprouse, Miranda Cosgrove, and Emily Osment,
I remain Madilyn Jayne Turken

Hallway Horror

The following is a fun little paper I wrote for my AP English class in which we had to write an op-ed commentary. An op-ed is an article generally featured in a newspaper (OPposite the EDitorial) and is usually opinionated and not too long. So our assignment was to choose any topic we cared about and write an opinion piece. In case you haven’t noticed yet, I have a lot of opinions. So I chose a topic I was passionate about and tried my darnedest to write a great paper. I got a 90 on this one (thanks Mr. Mazenko) but I am still quite proud of it. So please enjoy! (By the way, I have changed the name of my high school in a lame attempt at keeping up a little anonymity in a scary online world.)

“Hallway Horror”

High school is full of hardships.

Between homework and tests, teachers and peers, high school is filled with emotions, drama, and difficult tasks. However, it seems to me, that the most taxing struggle of all–worse than memorizing vocabulary in a foreign language, more frightening than the common app–is walking in the hallway.

Yes, it may be logical to assume that the hardest challenges of high school occur in the classroom, but alas, it is the hall that really gets teenagers stumped. For whatever reason, high schoolers, especially those at Lincoln High School, are suffering from “Hallway Horror”, a gripping disease that impairs their ability to walk efficiently between classes. They are simply not grasping the concept of walking through the halls. What is this elongated room I am in? Where do all these doors lead? Which way is my class again? Wait, look! There’s my friend! Maybe I’ll stop and chat!

Sure, why not? Ignorance is bliss after all.

But how long can students remain utterly unaware that they are stopping traffic, that their social interactions are causing a blockage? I am all for being friendly, and of course school should not be getting in the way of these kids’ social lives, right? But teens should learn how to navigate their hallways, in order to maintain a happy, healthy high school career. So we will take this in three, simple steps.

Step 1: Pick up the Pace. High school is extremely stressful, and it is always nice to have a break in the day to stroll leisurely to the next class. However, how do you expect anyone to reach class on time if they are delayed by your laziness? And at a school with 3,600 students and 200 faculty members, maneuvering around you is rarely an option. Keep it brisk, ladies and gentlemen, and don’t be afraid to put the car in drive. Think the purposeful walk of a preschool line leader, not the easy gait of the McDonalds employee serving fries.

Step 2: Practice Safe Speeds. Now, I know I just told you to pick up the pace, and you should, but that being said, there is another important piece of knowledge every student must know: never run in the halls. This is not just a rule you heard shouted at you by a teacher as you rushed by them in middle school. This is a fundamental guideline for successful hallway navigation. While you should be walking with purpose, you should never need to run to reach your class. Each passing period is seven minutes long. 420 seconds. Even at Lincoln High School, an unusually large campus at 80 acres and four buildings, you will be on time without running – I promise. If you run, you may not only cause an accident, but you will look, quite frankly, like a disoriented and terrified freshman.

Step 3: Pull Over. The third, and possibly most important rule, applies to that ever so important social life of yours. When you see a friend in the hall, by all means, wave, say hi, make a hysterically awkward face at them as you pass each other (my personal go-to). But please, for the sake of hallway navigators everywhere, if you must have a conversation, pull over. If you stop in the middle of the hall to chat with your pals, you create a general confusion for the first few people behind you when you stop and also for those after them, who must stray from their path to get around. You and your buddy act as a giant highway divider that has been thrown across the middle of the actual highway. If your small talk is really important enough to warrant parking, please pull over first.

It is my sincerest wish that these steps will help high schoolers from all walks of life to navigate their halls – and their high school careers – more easily. If we all remember to pick up the pace, practice safe speeds, and pull over, we can avoid the hallway horror that affects so many high school teens today.

Submitted with undying love for,
opinionated articles, getting an A on this so it’s cool Mazenko, and subtle jabs at the kids in my school,
I remain Madilyn Jayne Turken

People are gay, it’s OK!

Lately, there has been one topic pretty prevalent in my mind: gay rights. This is probably because it’s been frequenting my tumblr a lot recently, and I’m sure I’ll either get a lot of love or a lot of hate (or both) for directly addressing this so soon, but I think it should be addressed. And I think this is the most eloquent photo I have seen with regards to gay rights (gay marriage in particular):

via tumblr.com
via tumblr.com

Cause seriously, sorry if you’re opposed to gay marriage, but why the heck are we debating laws about love? Why do people even still need to “protest this shit”? Shouldn’t it be a given that people get to marry who they love?
If you are opposed for religious reasons, then fine, YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE GAY. No one (unless they are a really weird kind of sadist or something) is going to force you to marry someone of the same sex if it’s against your religious beliefs, but why can’t others do it? Are we going to make a law banning the establishment of mosques or temples now because that’s against your religion too? An individuals’ religion should have no effect on the rights of a completely separate person.
Also, there are tons of people I’m sure you all love who are, in fact, gay–but opposers to gay marriage aren’t going to patronize them are they? For example:

via http://blog.zap2it.com/frominsidethebox/2014/03/oscars-2014-ellen-degeneres-top-20-moments-hosting-the-academy-awards.html
via http://blog.zap2it.com/frominsidethebox/2014/03/oscars-2014-ellen-degeneres-top-20-moments-hosting-the-academy-awards.html

Now if that’s not the picture of perfection, I don’t know what is. And I know you know who this is because even if you haven’t seen her talk show or the 86th Academy Awards, I know you’ve seen Finding Nemo. To hate gay people, you would have to hate the woman behind the Oscars pizza party or the most record-breaking selfie of all time or, dare I say it, the “just keep swimming” song.
And you know what? The list of smart, beautiful, incredibly talented individuals goes on. Neil Patrick Harris, Jodie Foster, Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Queen Latifah, Ellen Page, Raven Symóne, Elton John, and literally countless others deserve to keep their marriage their business. Think they’ll destroy that sacred institution? Here, have another relevant picture.

via tumblr.com
via tumblr.com; CLICK TO ENLARGE

Now I know there are all kinds of people out there, and I am not saying that if you’re against same-sex marriage you’re a horrible person. I’ve just provided (hopefully) some food for thought. Do with it what you will.

Submitted with undying love for,
rants, Ellen, and all things flamboyant,
I remain Madilyn Jayne Turken

Surprisingly Sexy?

Welcome to a very unique and uplifting list entitled: “The Top 10 Things that Totally Shouldn’t Be Sexy, but Somehow Are”. I hope you enjoy it, and I hope you either become inspired and relieved or envious and depressed after reading it as well!

1. Turtlenecks

 

Gabriella Wilde in Emilia Wickstead for Instyle March 2014
Gabriella Wilde in Emilia Wickstead for Instyle March 2014

Now when I think turtleneck, I think dowdy old lady and something my mother used to make me wear. And maybe it’s just because it’s Gabriella Wilde, the unbelievably hot-without-trying star of the remake of Endless Love, but this turtleneck dress is somehow made to be weirdly sexy. Could it be the alluring bright blue, the lace up heels, or the high-low hem? Who knows. Just remember that if you want to try out a turtleneck dress, you are not the tall, blonde, former Burberry model in the picture.

2. Tweed

Nicole Kidman in Chanel for InStyle March 2014
Nicole Kidman in Chanel for InStyle March 2014

If you are like me and the thought of tweed brings to mind something old and decidedly British, you have not seen this colorful tweed Chanel dress and more importantly, you have not seen it on Nicole Kidman. The pearl buttons should make it seem even more outdated–yet they give it an even more modern feel. Maybe if we all wear tweed with mussed hair and our finger to our lips, however, we can achieve the same sexiness of this photo. (But probably not.)

3. Capes

Lupita N'yongo in Ralph Lauren at the 2014 Golden Globes
Lupita N’yongo in Ralph Lauren at the 2014 Golden Globes

Apparently not just for super heroes anymore! Unless, like me, you consider Lupita N’yongo to be a super hero. She is undeniably drop-dead gorgeous, especially in this vivid Ralph Lauren ensemble with–what is that? A cape?? I could never pull it off like she does, but then again, I would resemble one of the Incredibles, while she exudes grace  and serious sex appeal.

4. Plaid

Miranda Kerr in a Chanel jacket
Miranda Kerr in a Chanel jacket

Plaid: synonymous with a schoolgirl or a kilt. But wait! On Miranda Kerr, it totally works with black separates like leather shorts and sheer tights. (If this makes you feel like you too can rock a plaid jacket, remember, you probably aren’t a Victoria’s Secret model.)

5. Anything You Wear at the Airport

Jessica Alba in J Brand jeans with daughter Honor at LAX
Jessica Alba in J Brand jeans with daughter Honor at LAX

Raise your hand if traveling means sweats, Uggs, and no makeup. (Congrats, you’re a white girl!) But for some, like Jessica Alba, it means looking just as fashionable as any other day. Sure, we don’t have paparazzi following us to the airport, but she could tone it down a little, right? I mean she is LITERALLY TOTING A CHILD and she looks more put-together than I probably ever have.

6. Jacket Tied Around Your Waist

Miley Cyrus out and about in LA
Miley Cyrus out and about in LA

This is that thing that your mom made you do when you were a kid because you didn’t want to carry it and neither did she. It wasn’t until later that you realized you looked like a poster child for Gymboree. However, it’s totally making a comeback, and Miley updates it with flannel, a crop top, and high waisted shorts. Not to mention the red flannel is a pop of color in a black and white get-up. It’s cool in the best hipster kind of way and totally sexy.

7. Gym Clothes

Nicole Richie in a Balenciaga jacket and bag
Nicole Richie in a Balenciaga jacket and bag

Much like effortless airport syndrome, the gym for me means shorts, a T-shirt, and atrocious hair (if I go to the gym at all, that is). However, once again, some like to prove they can be fashionable anywhere (thanks for making the rest of us look bad). Here, Nicole Richie makes sweating stylish by adding a scarf, an oversize bag, retro sunglasses, and a leather jacket in an unexpected color to her top and leggings.

8. Pajamas

Dakota Fanning in Louis Vuitton at the Fall 2013 Louis Vuitton fashion show
Dakota Fanning in Louis Vuitton at the Fall 2013 Louis Vuitton fashion show

Now I think we all learned from an early age that your PJs aren’t for public, but fashion icons are breaking the rules–with surprisingly sexy results. For example, Dakota Fanning went for a silk dress at Louis Vuitton’s Fall 2013 show. The pastel pink silk and lace trim is alluring, but she adds polish with a jacket and structured bag. You can try to duplicate the same thing, just make sure you are A. Dakota Fanning, or B. at a major fashion show.

9. Shoulder Pads

Blake Lively in Balmain at the HBO Emmy after party
Blake Lively in Balmain at the HBO Emmy after party

Apparently not just for football players or the 1900s anymore! With the right modern touches, shoulder pads can be a cool accent and can have sex appeal, or so I have found after browsing the good old Internet. Blake Lively chose a Balmain dress with a deep V and sparkles, adding the perfect backdrop for unexpected shoulder pads! If you want to get something like this and try it out, try being Blake Lively.

10. Neoprene

Khloe Kardashian in Alexander Wang
Khloe Kardashian in Alexander Wang

You know those wetsuits you have to wear when river rafting? Yeah, that material is neoprene. However, it can be made into something stylish, and even sexy with V-necks and zipper detailing, seen here on Khloe Kardashian. She also kept accessories in the same color family to let the neoprene shine (there’s something you don’t hear everyday).

So there you have it! You too can take something you never would have thought could be sexy and make it so! By the way, I was only a little bit serious when I said you could only pull this off by being these people. I’m sure with the right fashion savvy (that’s a word, I promise), you could look just as sexy as the women in these pictures. I just probably won’t try it myself.

Submitted with undying love for,
turtlenecks, tweed, capes, plaid, airport wear, jackets tied around the waist, gym clothes, pajamas, shoulder pads, and neoprene,
I remain Madilyn Jayne Turken

Your number one spot for missives, musings, misadventure, and mayhem told from the amusing and often awkward viewpoint of a 16-year old.