Hello friends!! How are you?? I am FABULOUS (my friend I talked about in that last post was FOUND and she is now home and safe and sound! haha that rhymed.). So I thought I would take a break from that whole sappy thing and go back to doing what I do best–ranting while simultaneously assuming I know best (about everything). This week’s rant is called: What to do when other people have no clue what the heck they’re talking about. I hope it proves useful to you the next time someone says something cringe-inducing, or otherwise dim (to put it nicely).
Now I know in this crazy, mixed-up world, there are lots of people who all have lots of different opinions. And everyone is entitled to their opinion–it’s just that theirs may be stupid. When confronted with a narrow-minded, haughty, and/or ridiculous individual, there are several approaches that can be utilized, and I will list them here in order of effectiveness in most situations, for optimum satisfaction (guaranteed or your money back) (just kidding, you didn’t pay me so you get nothing).
1. The Least Effective: Blowing Your Top
The “Blowing Your Top” approach may, and usually does, involve many cuss words, frantic gestures, or becoming red in the face (or blue, depending on your complexion I suppose). This form of argumentation is most often used among road ragers, drunks, and hillbillies (read rednecks) who may or may not be fond of guns. While this can be effective in an “oh crap, I better back down from this crazy person” kind of way, it can also be taken less seriously. It is seen, not as a good rebuttal of the stupid thing someone just said/did, but as a child throwing a temper tantrum. Not cute.
2. Moderately Effective: Obviously Irritated or Precisely Persuasive
These two go hand in hand as both being equally as effective in some ways and ineffective in others. The “Obviously Irritated” approach generally goes as follows: someone is dumb, you respond semi-calmly and with rational vocabulary that may contain some swear words (but they aren’t running quite as rampant as in approach #1), but you are quite obviously irritated. This may not be as effective as you tried to make it because it is simply a less intense version of #1. You may sound like you’re trying to be rational, but it isn’t working too well. The “Precisely Persuasive” people are interesting. This is the kind of argument that is well-structured, with impressive vocabulary, crafted arguments, and passivity. It is almost like an actual persuasive essay–effective except for the fact that you sound like an egghead. Also keep in mind–the insufferable fool to which your rebuttal is directed probably won’t understand anything you’re saying. Speaking slowly with smaller words is not only easier for them to comprehend, but can be more satisfying for you (and as an added bonus, it will infuriate your “opponent”).
3. The Most Effective: Calmly Sarcastic
As you may have guessed, this is my approach of choice. When someone says something utterly idiotic, I prefer to lay on the sarcasm like that road rager in #1 lays on the horn. However, it must be carefully done, or else you will seem like the “Obviously Irritated” arguer. With this form of comeback, you speak calmly and with seemingly no bias. It may include, and should include, large words (just not SAT egghead words). It is almost like the precise persuader, but not as meticulously crafted and with a clear opinion present, just not overwhelming. The sarcasm usually comes in at the end, where you can add in a “punchline” to make it clear you think they are moronic. This sort of response may look something like, “Well, sir/ma’am, thank you for sharing your riveting and important opinion. But it would be much appreciated if you would take your ignorance/negativity/etc. elsewhere.” and may end with something like “And I apologize of any of those words were too big for you” or “I realize it can be frustrating to live with fewer brain cells, but there are people who can get you the help you need” or something equally sassy. I also like to call this one “The Subtle Bitch”.
I hope you have made or will be able to make use of this carefully compiled guide. We all meet those out there who just are too insensitive or under developed to say anything intelligent, and that’s okay, as long as you know which approach to use in response. Find the one that works for you, and enjoy making people feel (more) ridiculous! And remember, forget the haters.
Submitted with undying love for,
biting sarcasm, devastating wit, and cutting edge sass,
I remain Madilyn Jayne Turken
P.S. I promise I am a nice person.